CO-VID COME-BACK

Last couple days I've felt the urge to return to this page and pound some letters into this blank text box; so here I am and here are the words contained! 

Lots going on, with absolutely nothing truly going on it seems. 

They say the world and in turmoil, but when I go outside it's as bright as day and the birds are chirping + my home-garden in my yard is thriving w/ pineapples, cucumbers, a few strawberries etc. I'd say that's quite the opposite of burning, eh? 

In terms of finances it's quite the opposite -- I've accumulated a bit of CC debt and I've drowned what was left of my live poker monies due to CO-VID and all the casinos closing. I must admit, at first I was not taking anything in terms w/ CO-VID serious by any stretch of the word and in fact; was the FIRST person to wear a mask inside my local card room ... as a total joke. As time went on and my boomer parents continually pleaded w/ me to fall into alignment w/ the CC I took complete advantage of it. Honestly I am an absolutely amazing hermit / "Co-VIDer" as staying at home and indulging w/ my 70" TV and gaming PC is a dream come true. 

Co-Vid truly is just an excuse for me, though. One can be extremely successful inside all sorts of economic cycles. Sure -- certain tradesman will excel more than another due to the right climate -- but if one wants it bad enough -- I truly believe if you dig down and there's a will there will be a way. Perhaps it's all the cliche movies / false inspiration one receives as child of America born in the late 20th century ... but when I recite that and while typing it I received an overwhelming flush of euphoria / good goosebumps. 

Co-Vid has just been an excuse for me to turn off all the outside noise, to fall into my lethargic ways of being a 8 year old kid eating macaroni and cheese and not giving a shit what day it is as the only thing I want to be tuned into is what channel Bugs Bunny is on. 37 year old me simply replaces Bugs w/ Netflix and my gaming PC for my Nintendo and boom -- there you have it, a grown ass man in an 8 year old spoiled kids body! 

Boy is it nice turning off whatever I consider 'troubles' in my little bubble and losing track of the days ... and then the weeks ... and then the months ... and what honestly has been YEARS now since home-ownership.

I flip back through my poker-notes over the course of the past 3 years and I've been playing part-time at best. Last OCT. in 2019 I played for SIX ... yes 6 FUCKING HOURS. What a joke!  

I could completely excuse this behavior if I was picking up a new talent / educating myself or even working a min. wage fucking job -- but I wasn't. Hell, I was barely even keeping up w/ my health; and when your health goes your brain isn't to far behind .... or is it because my brain is lacking that my health ... I don't know. 

I have a tendency to get large does of initial passion followed by a month or so of strong drive -- and then burn out. I also do it in the short term micro of things w/ working for 2-3 days w/ no sleep. (both sober and w/ chemical help) as when I am hyper driven I do whatever activity it is until my brain simply shuts down. 

okok so why am I here, again? Well for one this is brain therapy as I once showed a friend years ago how much I typed into blogs and he was in awe that I could ramble on and on and on about ... what?  

Secondly, to keep some sort of accountability for myself. 

Third, to complain here, to myself ... so others don't have to hear my bitching and rants of the poker world / world in general. 

It's also a place that I can give myself some sort of guidance to where I am trying to reach inside this poker world of ours ...

So where is that again? What am I attempting to achieve? Both in life and through poker? 

Well; my sponsoring thought shouts ... I believe from the book Celestine Prophecy by ... James Redfield (fact check) "Creating Heaven on Earth" well ... what's Heaven on Earth?

Honestly, and this is the barbaric answer .... the truth is -- getting my dick sucked by 12 playboy play-mates on the daily and then getting a belly rub from my better-half (my GF whom is practically my wife) and her being proud of me. 

That sounds pretty heavenly to me ... though I know that those playmates could manifest themselves into demons carrying bags of white powder which sends me into a demonic rage of self-indulgent which leads to days of self-pity and who knows what the long term repercussions are ... 

Okok ... so what the fuck is MY personal heaven on Earth as I'd form it today, realistically speaking ...

First I have to come to terms if I want to actually boot-strap the fuck up and put my fucking panties away and get the fuck back into that cardroom and start destroying people or not .... will I be able to play with fierceness/aggression and take their chips away w/ a smile -- and kill assholes w/ kindness when I see they're an immortal/dirty/sleazy person? Am I ready to surround myself w/ smelly, grubby overweight disgusting mother fuckers putting their chicken finger grease on the cards while they hit an 10% from time-to-time and not let it effect my overall appreciation for life?

The answer to these questions is yes -- as I don't know what the fuck else I'd do for money. 

Though after my experiences through poker -- those devastating days and those strings of bad runs even when one is a winning player are pretty tough. I have booked one losing month inside the last 16 years of playing professionally and even w/ that being said -- it's fucking tough. (I only take big shots after big scores and I've encountered overall losing months due to gambling / life degeneracy) 

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If I could live and love my life w/ all this wisdom and experience w/ the same ambition and zest for life that I had going on two decades ago -- oh what a combination that would be. 

Can I find that? Can I find a good mix of ambition / glass half-full attitude while being grounded but not over-worked?  

I haven't taken a hand of poker (outside of a night or so agos JAX staked home-game) and in the course of March/April/May and the first week of June I didn't finish reading one book, or entertain any of my little side-hustles that I'm always going on about while enveloped in poker. 

At what point do I look at myself and admit that I'm not all that motivated to pick up a new line of work, or learn anything else outside of whatever happens to grasp my attention in that exact moment. 

Poker can be tough, sure -- but the financial freedom and life freedom it has provided me WAY exceed the negatives. 

I must stop focusing on the negatives both with poker and in life. I must stop making excuses to pull myself into the cardroom. 

I have to set day, week, month and yearly goes which extend into 5-10 year goals or I will be having this exact conversation 10 years from now. 

Recently I had a very close buddy of mines brother pass away. He was 47 or 48 years old .... and simply had a heart-attack while riding his bike. He wasn't overweight .... just boom, gone. 

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I'M GOING TO TAKE THINGS ONE DAY AT A TIME.

ONE MOMENT AT A TIME.

MY HEAVEN ON EARTH IS DOING A LITTLE BIT EVERY DAY -- ON MY TIME .... GODS TIME. GODS TIME IS BLESSED. *It's funny how against organized religion I am yet how spiritual I feel towards being immediately connected to a higher power* though perhaps that power has simply been invested in me from that source *shrug* or perhaps I'm just a silly monkey who doesn't know his ass from his elbow so merely believing in something gives me the mental capacity to not blow my god damn brains out. 

Re-reading that last little bit made me ... sort of sad, as ... I've never contemplated ending it all; but as life goes on and shit hits the fan ... and you start growing older etc ... I dunno -- not gonna lie ... one does think about it. **thinking about something and doing an action are two completely separate things** 

Ok -- wasn't I speaking of what my heaven on earth would look like? and ... then ... somehow I'm speaking of blowing my brains out. LOL!  WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON. **No I am not under the fucking influence, either** 

CO-VID was just an excuse to tap into my lethargy. Stop doing that. Do a little bit every day. Take advantage of opportunities when they arise. **I have not been doing this**. Go on more poker-trips. Play online and brush up your technical skills to ensure you're evolving along w/ the game of poker! 

These past few months of isolation have given me the chance to really refresh -- and I realize how even despite believing I was grateful for all that is ... I haven't been 100%. 

What a dream with little poker tours going on all over the country/world ... and being able to swoop it, tourism around -- hopefully pick up a bit of coin and then zip out of there. 

I always tend to get overly existential while blogging/writing .... so the cliff notes are this:

Be a good man to my lady. 

Reach out to my friends to ensure they know I'm in their corner. 

Be kind to even the worst of the worst as it truly is to difficult to understand anyones perspective outside of your own. 

Work hard. Work as hard as my Asian mother would expect of me -- but not so much that I burn out and have a fucking mental break down. 

Find some fucking balance. Set some fucking goals.

Goals:

Start small. How?

We're going to play the pretend game and avoid taking a loan out on the house -- business loans, CC run ups and the like. We're going to do this as the 20 year old Kram would do as 1) it's fun 2) it clears your mental brain

Thinking about "I should be playing bigger and this is a waste of time" is really poor thinking and leads to bad decision making. 

It also inflates ones ego -- and honestly ego can be really bad in poker. Sure, self-confidence and confidence in ones game is extremely important ... but never over-seeing your opponent / the game as a whole is a skill-set many do not have. 

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Goal:

0 - 100,000.

Appreciate poker.

One session at a time. Gonna get jump started by playing small and taking advantage of being a house game 'horse'. Pretend as though I'm completely starting over!