10 days later. Data is more powerful than anyone's opinion...

Did not read my last post. Do recall bitching about money. Bitching like a little bitch. That's what females do. Men find solutions to problems. I am an alright guy, working his way to being a great man.

Sitting in my house and hermitting myself away from the world isn't a way to be great. It's simply a way to escape. Somehow in my twisted mind -- by doing the least amount possible it somehow was a win. 

It's not.

I'm feeling motivated more and more every day. Motivated to be the best fucking cardplayer that I've ever aspired to be. 

Over the course of the past 2 years ... I'm not sure how to justify it -- I simply got lazy. To make up for this past laziness I do not need to fall into the nerd-raging aderall induced freak that I was in my 20's / early 30s either. Whom knows what that chemical in balance did to my brain. The long term reprecussions and the thought of "I cannot win without it" mindset. Nobodies perfect that's for fucking sure. I do know this:

Within the past ten days I've played 40 hours 18 minutes of poker for a profit of $2,257 which = $55.99/hr. 

Over the course of the past 76 hours I've made $5,669 for a $74.33 hourly. 

When chatting with other mid-stakes regs these numbers are un-canny. 

Recently a younger kid attributed one of my local villian opponents as, "The best $2/$5 player in the country".

I scoffed.

Firstly because it's simply something that cannot be fucking measured or quantified.

Secondly ... because obviously I am. :)

Fell into a period of what I considered a zen-like state where I "Only played if I felt like it". I also wasn't keeping a poker log/tracker for over a year. It's something that I would never recommend any of my students -- but wasn't applying myself as I know that I am winning as if I wasn't I'd be homeless and 2) because scrolling over the numbers obsessively simply isn't healthy.

HERE'S MY LATEST PROBLEM:

I'M PLAYING SCARED ONCE WINNING 80-100BB in a session as I DON'T WANT TO LOSE!

HANDS WHERE I WAS WINNING AND PLAYED POORLY OVER THE PAST TEN DAYS:

**This one really bothered me**

Older Black Gentlemen in glasses with blue shirt whom was super ego inflated and running a 25%ish PFR/40-50% VPIP opens from UTG+1 to $25 and it's called in between. I look down at Q/Q and decide to play slow. (what the fuck Mark) **this hand is extremely embarrassing** Flats all around bringing pot size up to $175 (yes that's how good the games are) and a flop of 10/6/4 two-tone I hold the BDFD with a red Q. Villian bets $75 into the field I click back and make it $150 (he has me covered we start hand with $800. Jamie -- pro-golfer flats **and side note we have to break down her game or prepare to play for stacks when she is in my game or just GTFO of the god-damn game. **another side note** we perform much better it seems in non-weekend games where the game is more 'proper' and bets/raises receive more resepect. Once the game becomes ram and jam I tend to become to passive as my risk of ruin is extremely high atm, my risk aversion is low atm and my gambling spirit needs to an adjustments. **these are things that will be alleviated with putting in more solid winning hours and saving money simply for poker bankroll**

Folds in-between and villian calls. 3-way to turn. Pot size: $625. Turn: Ko. Check, I check, Jamie Checks. River: 10. Villian checks. We check to get to showdown **WE'RE COUNTING TO MUCH ON BLUE LINE RATHER THAN RED-LINE THESE DAYS AND PERHAPS OUR RED-LINE COULD BE IMPROVED?** -- another topic that needs addressed in due time. ** 

*sigh* fuck. I could cry writing this. How could I let this one get away? This hand truly did hurt my heart. 

Jamie bets $35 into $625 and villian raises to $200. 

**Check raise river bluffs are extremely rare -- in fact less than say ... 2% or so** (this number completely off the topic but in a live setting they just don't exist ** <<<-- and="" are="" as="" be="" but="" competent="" div="" enough="" fold="" game="" hard="" has="" hence="" higher="" i="" increase="" into="" just="" more="" my="" nbsp="" off="" often="" on="" opponent="" pot="" pull="" river="" roof="" should="" sizes="" so="" the="" them="" they="" through="" to="" variance="" why="" work="">

My robotic poker sense immediately went off. J/10 filled. K/10 was filled. Set of jacks filled. I have A/Q blockers.......... he starts giving me a speech after I go into the tank. "Oh you haven't folded yet guy?" "What's taking you so long to fold"

The old poker adage goes, "Strong means weak".  

Most players know this. This guy was a back-yard hillbilly out here in Central Florida and I forgot myself. I laid it down. Jamie folded. He shows 4-2s for a pair and I would have taken down the $850++ pot. 

I went on to flat Aces pre again looking for a behind the belt 3-bettor. Didn't find one. Took a flop a million handed and got raised on a K/7/7 two-tone board where I wasn't aware of where I stood. Not even sure if I won or lost that session -- but I quickly tucked tail and got the fuck out of the casino. Why in the fuck am I implementing pre-flop trapping strategies in an arena that has a low overall 3-BET PFR %?  **I simply made a mistake**  

Take a second. Am I making thoughts based on where I currently stand in a session? 

Or am I making decisions because that's what I know what to do inside my inner guide poker spirit?

I was making decisions based on money. 

Yes there's a difference between 'grinding' and 'playing poker' but some of those things still transcend over one-another and applying the fundamental rules of aggression within the game of poker still apply. 

Playing passively in these spots will bleed chips; and at least I'm not punting like some young Mark fish would do. 

My sessions have been short and sweet. Over the course of these past 76 hours no session longer than 10 hours. Many 3 hour sessions. I am allowing my emotions to control whether I sit and play or not -- if I am enjoying a conversation with a player / having a laugh I will find myself playing longer. Some days... when I'm filled with hatred and angst ... I just will not sit there and play and spend my life in hours of misery. 

Money is important.

It's just not that important to me any longer. 

It will come. It will go. If I am not tapped into the Fun-Loving playing poker to the likes of which I know how-to-do .... I will not play.

If I am telling myself "Past Mark would of been really happy that current Mark is up 100-200bb's" perhaps I should call it and leave.

Problem is how in the fuck will you win 400bb's if you leave every time you're up 200bb's? It's a never ending schizmatic of should I go? Should I stay? Should I set a clock? I am in this because I want to live my life in accordance to my rules. So ... the answer? Just leave when you fucking feel like and if you lose some back don't be a pussy bitch about it. Also don't play like a pussy if you decide to play.

Either stay and play fucking properly and get the god-damn chips in the middle and go w/ your reads / apply your knowledge. 

Or rack the fuck up and enjoy your fucking life.

It's not that difficult. It really isn't.

STAY MOTIVATED

THINGS THAT MOTIVATE ME:

BUILDING UP MY ROLL. 

TRAVELLING THE WORLD.

HAVING MY BILLS PAID OFF FOR THE NEXT YEAR.

GETTING BACK INTO THE MTT SCENE TO SHOW THE WORLD THAT YOU'RE A WONDERFUL CARDPLAYER. 

PAYING OFF MY MORTGAGE. 

SIMPLY NOT STRESSING OVER FINANCES.

ALL THIS IS EASY. ALL IT TAKES IS A LITTLE BIT EVERY DAY. GET IN THERE. 7. DAYS. A. WEEK. 

IT'S EASY. IT TRULY IS. I HAVE UTILIZED A GIFT AND AM DOING SOMETHING THAT I TRULY DO LOVE AND ENJOY. 

DATA IS MORE POWERFUL THAN ANY OPINION AND ALL I HAVE TO DO IS CONTINUE TO POUR IN HOURS. THE RESULTS WILL TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES. 

PUT IN FRESH FOCUSED HOURS.

**I MUST START TAKING PICTURES AND BREAKING DOWN ONE REGULAR AT MY LOCAL CARD ROOM EVERY SINGLE DAY** 

ONCE I HAVE A LARGER BANKROLL I WILL BEGIN REALLLLYYY TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THEIR TENDENCIES AND JUST FUCKING MY OPPONENTS UP :) ALL THEIR BASE BELONG TO US. I AM SIMPLY BETTER THAN THEM. TO MUCH HUMILITY HAS KILLED MY KILLER POKER SPIRIT. IT'S OK TO BE GOOD AT THINGS. IT'S OK TO BE SUCCESSFUL. LIFE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE SO DIFFICULT. IT'S OK TO BE HAPPY. IT'S OK FOR EVERYTHING TO BE OK.

After writing that -- and with fathers day just passing by .... I do realize that I have some ... not even sure how to define it; left-over dust in my brain with my father passing at such an early age. Almost as if within every day I'm just waiting for something negative to happen despite being a glass-half full sort of guy. Whether it's the detriment of losing a parent at such a young age; or simply life just battering me down each and every day as a gambler w/ no outside income .... I've developed a thought-process of not believing that it's within the realm of possibilities for me to truly become even more successful. As if purchasing this house and having lived the life that I have lived up to this point was the pinnacle of my success. 

It isn't. 

It's going to be even more amazing. It's also not going to happen over-night and it is my responsibility to apply the knowledge and blessings that I've received. 

I have started that process and will continue working on being the nicest, kindest but not-giving anything away at the tables guy. Inside the industry that I am in; with so many rough around the edges types and it being a zero-sum industry ... it's important that I am a light in a dark-tunnel. Kill my opponents w/ kindness and be as polite as possible while both winning and losing. 

Back to Blogging + Back to the Basics.

Hello! It's been awhile. I find it comical that throughout my blog at times I'm writing to the reader, and other times directly writing to myself. What would Carl Jung say about this?! Who knows. Who knows if psychoanalysis is even worth while. Who knows anything? What is even worthwhile? Am I spending my time and energy in a respectable manner? Whom is to judge this? What is driving me to do the things that I am currently doing? Where is it that I'm trying to go?

Having a mother whom is a CPA and an immigrant from Japan -- money was always an extremely important topic. In fact even now when I haven't spoke to her for a few weeks her first question is always "Are you making any money son?" It's been implemented in me since I can remember. By no means am I saying that she has any lack of love or anything to that effect at all ... just I do believe it's a different sort of relationship in comparison to my complete white-boy buddies.

Money. Money. Money.

I earnestly have come to the conclusion that if I were to acquire a pocket-roll of $50,000 it would alleviate so much anxiety and stress. Unfortunately the mountain seems so high to climb these days due to these silly excuses:

1) My passion for poker is at an all time low.
2) I'm currently house-poor and have dumped off most of my liquid bankroll.
3) My over-head is higher than the current cash I have in my pocket; and for the past 24 months since my house purchase I am continually dumping off what I have for life expenses just to keep my head above water.


How do I alleviate these problems?

1) Get your head out of your ass and just appreciate the game. Play 7 days a week even if it's only for 3 hours a day. That's still 20 hours a week and on some of those days you'll find yourself having an enjoyable conversation / laugh and before long a 10-12 hour session will ensue. To quote the great Woody Allen "Half of life is simply showing up". It really is true. I have talent and even if that's not the case -- I've put in well over my 10,000 hours (Malcolm Gladwell) and poker is second nature to me. Mistakes are truly minimal these days.

2) Spend less. Save more. Work harder.

Rambling. If I start to blog again these will not be proof-read. I do believe blogging/journal ing will hopefully reduce anxiety / stress and help me find a clear mind.

I have so much going for me -- and wake up feeling alright. Just ... one would believe that I should be over-whelmed w/ joy. I have an amazing partner. I am healthy. I own a beautiful home. Yet why is it that I feel so un-fullfilled? What is it that I'm thriving for?

My sponsoring thought to those questions are this:

1) You already have what you believe you desire.
2) You just have to take more time and create this perfect world that you want to create. (This sound so cliche and secretish ... but it's true.

I am going to put in hours. I am going to make great decisions day in and day out. Slowly but surely, if I apply the money acquired into the right places -- I will slowly begin to build up another solid bankroll again. That leads to bigger games, bigger money -- and tournaments for piles of cash all in one sitting. Not only that but my ego will thank me later.

Work. Stop being lazy. Save money. Don't allow girlfriend to be a poor influence on you. Don't make excuses. No one cares more about your well being than you do -- and especially your financial state. (after writing that it felt extremely self-centered and narcissistic but it's absolutely on point)

Everything doesn't have to be accomplished in one day. Take your time and if you find yourself off-kiltered during a session remember that poker isn't going anywhere ...