Why am I here again? What am I doing? Where am I going?

Living a, "Go when you choose" or "Pick up and leave" when you feel the urge to lifestyle is great. In theory. It's great when things are exciting, and you're constantly on the move meeting new people and seeing new things. The problem with living like this is  -- going to new places and seeing new things requires resources. (money) The problem with meeting new people is; I in fact believe I've already met, and am with -- the person whom is the most important in my life. Not just now, but... what I hope to be, "Forever". (Re-reading it sounds so... dramatic... or pop-culturesque... though true)

I've fallen head-over-boots in love and it's taken me 5 years, 4 of them co-habitating, and a month trip to Asia to realize it fully. The saying goes that, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" or... something to that effect. Well, it does. I'm not jealous, or puppy-dogging my other-half due to being away. I have never in my life ever felt the effects of heart-sickness as I have the past few days. Just putting it from my mind to this txt has me overwhelmed with emotion. It hurts more than I can bear, and there's no logical reason for it. She loves me, and I her. I will be seeing her shortly. Perhaps when we're re-united I won't feel this way any longer; and looking back at when I picked up and started this last venture a part of me WANTED to be alone. After a week together, maybe I'll be singing a different tune. I truly hope that isn't the case. Watched a TED talks about long-term relationships which I found helpful, and the speaker mentioned that the #1 thing that emits DESIRE (not love) in a long-term relationship amongst all the thousands of couples she's helped w/ therapy is distance apart.
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sa0RUmGTCYY)

Making a mental note that I hope to burn into my brain that when I'm feeling annoyed, stressed, un-appreciative for the lady whom I love -- that I can bring myself back to THIS moment and feeling, t... smile in THAT moment of annoyance/frustration ... brush it off and shower her in love, understanding, appreciation and laughter. *sigh* Again, easy in theory. Though when they lady is driving you bat-shit fucking crazy ... it's easy to just run off at the mouth or fill her in on all her bullshit. We truly are two different fucking animals and I'm constantly a work in progress when it comes to the female category.

Spent two days binge watching TED talks and another point that seemed to pop up time and time again was that the happiest and most productive people keep a journal/diary. My blog has always been that for me, and I've attempted at personal journaling -- though w/o the blog aspect, and using pen/paper over a keyboard is nearly impossible. For one my handwriting is God-Awful! 2) ... my hand gets tired!

I always ponder on starting up a new blog as this blog, and Kram420.com (which I didn't pay and lost the domain... the content is stashed away somewhere and I need to print it out and get it re-uploaded so it's not lost) the reason for thinking of starting a new blog somewhere is that this sanctuary, Kram420.blogspot.com was supposed to be completely anonymous. Somewhere along the way, I do not know how -- my name, and face got connected to the site. I am by no means, "a somebody" though I have ventured out into the world and accomplished a thing or two. ... *rambling* Huh? Point being this: it's difficult for me to share my deepest most inner thoughts and feelings when this blog isn't completely anonymous.

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My thoughts and emotions are all over the chart recently. I feel like a 16 year old puberty stricken school girl; honestly. The only time when I can shut out the rest of the world and focus is when I'm learning something I've never had in front of me before. I'm slowly picking up the Japanese language.  I'm learning a few tricks on the stock market; and hopefully with more practice and training they can start to become lucrative.

I've collaborated with many of the most successful people that I know in my life (Mcgrath, Uncle, KCempire) and realize that ... no one's gonna do it for me. In fact, they're all to busy to truly even take the time and show me. Even if they could; could I absorb their knowledge and then apply it? Again, as I've known all along -- it's all up to me. It's me vs the world. Stop believing there's some easy will just happen tomorrow lifestyle and get back to what I know. I know Poker. Stop wasting time flinging around the globe spending $$$ and not being productive. If you are going to fly around the globe -- plan it out a little better to get the most bang for your buck.


I must remember that I CAN have my cake and eat it to. I CAN have a home and still travel the world. I CAN obtain a condo in FL and a house in Vegas. I simply just have to sacrifice for a little while to obtain it. I also have to create a clear vision as to where do I want my home to be in FL? Where do I want my home to be in Las Vegas?

Going to re-set myself; start with a roll of $10-$20k and double it. Will Zoho/Blog the progress and journal making it more enjoyable. Will enjoy the journey and not focus so much on the destination. Today, March 17th marks 37 days w/o a pill. My soul and mind feel amazing. I can sleep an entire night w/o waking up. I do not feel that irritable, itchy feeling I have while on a prescription medication that I am abusing. I believe. I have faith. I think longer term and hopefully this is the stent that holds up. It seems that over the years of functioning drug-abuse that I can only make it 3-4 months sober until I fall back into the trap. Things run smoothly for awhile until I crash and burn; and  re-start all over. I've been living this cycle for 5 years. A true, breathing... definition of insanity. That's me in the flesh!

So, Q: "Why am I here again?" that question being asked to life, and this blog. I'm here in life, to serve a higher power/purpose. What that is on a day to day basis I've yet to figure out. I've been asking/praying for that to fall into my brain, be shown to me in some way, shape, or form... unfortunately it hasn't made its way to me. So, until then... it's pretty ego stricken: make money, stay productive, love my lady. Be good to the people around me.

Q: What am I doing? Staying sober. Understanding that true happiness doesn't lay in pill-form. Also realizing that pills do not help my productivity. Not short term, not longer term. Never. 1 is never enough and 1,000 is to many. I am getting back onto the Poker-Band-Wagon. Going to re-set my financial situation, invest in some long term goals, start applying what I've learned about the market -- clean up some past investments/business things -- and get my mind 100% set on grinding out some $$$; buying a nice piece of property in the Las Vegas area, churning out a Euro roll to Jet-Set with my girl. That's the broad outlook as of today and I can build on that.

Q: Where am I going? Today and this week -- no where. I am going to stay present and enjoy my time in Japan. When I return state-side I am going to humble myself, keep expenses low in FL, set a 5-6 day work schedule and crush it. Taking a smaller investment and running it up into something. During this time I will decide if Las Vegas is in the cards for this summer... or if I want to perhaps fathom skipping the WSOP as I have yet to do this in the past TWELVE years.

Remember this: you make your bed and you lie in it. Life nor God will not give out anything that I am not willing to work for myself. As much freewill and choice that I have been granted, I have to apply humility each and every day in knowing that ... things are complex, and any number of possibilities could arise anyway.